why

i look around and everyone is having kids. they have adoring husbands and own their homes. what do i have? my career. friends. family. a roof over my head. food to eat. a forgiving god. i should be happy with all of this. most days i am. but today. today i just want to scream. today i have a defeatest attitude. today i want to know why my uncle had an emergancy cardiac cath, and is in the icu. i want to know why my friends son died after only 3 days. i want to know why that same girl had to go through her younger brother dying just a year later. i want to know why mothers dont give their children the meds they need and then they die in my hospital. why does another one of my friends have to see her 2 yr old son have to go through chemo because he hase leukemia, and now he has typhlitis. why? why? why? why was i raped? why did i go to jail 7 yrs ago for a stupid traffic violation, when there were people in my court room who beat people?? why? why did my grandfather never see any of us marry or see his grandkids have grandkids? why did he die at 52. he was a wonderful man. why? why do i date losers? why do i not value myself? why do i sabotage myself? most of these whys i will never know the answer too, and thats okay but so frustrating. when i am tired and sad and frustrated i have to put on this facade about being happy when i am not. i am exhausted. emotionally. physically. i know that god has this plan for me. i actually have thought that he has BIG plans for me, but what are they? why dont i know?

Realization

So I worked out Friday night on the recumbent bike, Saturday morning I went to an Aqua Fit Class, and this morning did upper body weight training. I feel so good, remind me why I stopped eating right and exercising?! SO I stepped on the scale this morning before I ate anything, and weighed 291.4. That's 4 lbs down from when I started 3 days ago! YAY! I joined Bill Phillips Transformation.com community and he says to only weigh yourself every 2 -3 weeks. So I will not be weighing myself again until 10/17/10 (I know I will become to antsy to wait 3 weeks, lol). I will be sure to let you know how that goes. I am a person who becomes obsessed with the scale when I start a weight loss regimen, so I am going to tape a big note on it "DO NOT USE UNTIL 10/17" to remind myself. Gotta go now. Have to plan my meals for the week :) Forgot to tell you my Realization! So I was at the gym today, feeling a little agitated that I got off track on my journey, and then realized, hey you know what everyone does. It's not about how many times it takes you to succeed at your goal. It's that you reach. It's the end result that matters. SO I have forgiven myself, and feel a little less burdened now. That's all!

So here it is . . . I was 342, got down to 262 and now am back to 295. This canot go on, I am 30 yrs old, I need to nip this in the bud! So . . . in true Nicole fashion, I decided I need to go balls to the wall and get this done . . . but you know what that doesn't work. Like an alcoholic, drug addict, smoker, etc. You have to start slow. Take it one step at a time, or it won't work. So the first step was joiing a gym. Yes, I have a gym where I live, but the fact that I would be paying for a membership should motivate me right?! I told my parents that I joined LA Fitness because my friend Megan says she will work out with me, she needs some motivation too, we can do this together. But! we haven't gotten together all week. I said I bought the membership (I did this online). I didn't say I had stepped into the facility, LOL! So tonight I decided that I needed to go. Get over my fear of people looking at me, scrutinizing me, and just go. I did the recumbant bike for 6.5 miles, and it felt good. In the morning I am going to take a water aerobics class, and then head over to my parents afterwards. My dad bought me Bill Phillips Transformation book, and it has an accompanying website. I checked the website out, it is awesome. I made a profile and numerous people have stopped by my site to welcome me. So I have high hopes that this is just what I need. I will chronicle my journey on here. I haven't blogged lately, because I have been embarassed I gained weight back, but you know what just like any other addict, we have our ups and our downs, and occasional slip-ups, but its what you do in the end that matters. Goodnight and sleep tight all!

Gosh it has been a long while since I have posted. My good friend Ashley told me she misses reading my blogs, and you know what I miss writing them. It is definitely an outlet for me. To catch you up to speed I started my journey at 342lbs, and I am down to 260lbs. Which is great I just wish I was farther along I have hit a plateau and need to wade it out and not get discouraged; easier said than done. Plus I have more stress in my life. My ex-fiancee decided to move back to town and is being a lying deceitful snake that doesn't deserve the energy of me even writing about him in this blog, but alas, when someone hurts you, its hard not to think about it. I am usually a person who allows myself one day of pity partying and then I pick myself up, brush myself off, and move on. For some reason I am not able to do that this time. I really am just praying for God to heal my wounds. I feel so alone. I used to hang out with a group of girls from work, but everyone seems to have found a significant other and moved on. Why can't I? Am I destined to be alone forever? I don't know what has gotten into me. Usually I would say I don't need a man, and I would mean it, but this past week, I just really want to be with someone who loves me, who lets me know I am worth it. I want to be with someone who thinks of me when he wakes up and I am the last thing he thinks of when his head hits the pillow. SOmeone who thinks of me as their everything. My parents have that kind of love. Is it pathetic that I envy them? Well anyways it is ncie to get all of this off my chest. I will try and keep up with my posts, it does keep me on track. TTYS.

Hi everyone. I was out of town from last wed. until Monday so I haven't blogged in awhile. I was really proud of myself. I only cheated once during my vacation, and it was having a small piece of cookie cake for my cousins sons birthday. The old me would have eaten everything in site, and had a couple pieces of cookie cake because I was on vacation. I would have thrown everything out the window, but I didn't. In fact I spread the message of good health to my family in Kentucky. I started my Aunt on my new lifestyle change a low carb (not no carb), low fat, high protein diet. It made me feel so good to spread my message! The best part! When I came home I had lost 2 lbs! Other bonuses I didn't spread my girth into the persons seat next to me, and the seat belt fit (I use to have to use an extender). So all around it has been an awesome week. I am looking forward to weigh in on Thursday!!!

So . . . I didn't have a great week in regards to my diet. I ordered girl scout cookies from a friend of mine a month or so ago, and thought it would be okay, I could freeze them, and eat a few on cheat day. I did great the first two days I didn't have any, none, zip, zilch, nada . . . go me . . or so I thought. Cheat day rolled around and instead of eating a few Samoas, I ate the whole darned box, yes you read that correctly the whole box, no one else just me. I know. I know. Why did I tempt myself and buy them in the first place? Well for the simple fact that I thought I could resist the temptation. I am around it all day every day. The people around me eat junk, and I resist. I actually prefer the taste and the way I feel after a healthy meal as compared to the nasty McDonald's I used to eat. Well no such luck this time I broke down. I could say it was because I was depressed or something bad happened, but nope, I was fine, they were just calling to me, like the forbidden fruit in Eden and I, like Eve was tempted. I decided to forgive myself for this, and move on. Yes I ate the box, but I have regained my will power, it won't happen again. On a better note. I went over to a friends house who was getting rid of some clothes. She wanted me to go through them and if I wanted any to take them before she had her yard sale. She wanted me to try on the clothes, I didn't want to because they were all a size 20 and I just knew they weren't going to fit me. I believed in my head I was size 24. Well, I tried on the clothes, and darned if they didn't fit, I was ecstatic. I went from a size 28 to a size 20, and from a 4X to a 2X and cane fit into a 1X snuggly. I could not even fit a 1X over my head and shoulders a few months ago. This little victory came at a great time. I am now reinvigorated. Also, I was at work and a CNA on one of the floors I was onasked me if I had lost weight, because I looked great, and I told her I had, and the three RN's that were around all just started The Medi WEightloss Center that I have been doing since October 28th. I just love meeting people that are doing the same diet I am on, or who are interested in it. I give them little tips and tricks, and this in turn motivates me to do better. So here is to Ashley, Michelle, and Dan my new partners in weightloss. On that same note, if you are on Facebook, you can join my facebook group "Weightloss Warriors".

Small victory. . .

I did my Wii Fit today I hadn't done it in awhile. So, I stepped on the balance board and the last time I had done it (November 26th) I was 311.1 lbs, today I was 280.4 lbs, that is a difference of 30.7lbs in 2 and a half months, I was ecstatic. I had been going to the gym instead of using my Wii Fit and then I stopped going to the gym, so I decided to start using my Wii Fit again. I forgot how much fun it was. I burned 152 calories in only 30 minutes (awesome). I also wrote 3 post it notes to place on my scale. So all-in-all today was a great day. I am looking forward to tomorrow ( I work the night shift so my new day starts in the afternoon).

Today was a good day in regards to my eating. I decided to be proactive today. I knew I would want a yummy, greasy cheeseburger again today, so I went grocery shopping. Yes I know, it sounds dangerous, but read on :) I bought fat free ground chicken burgers. I made 2 delicous chicken burgers with lettuce, grilled tomato, 1/2 a slice of 2% cheese (each), and mustard. They were better than any burger I would have bought at a restaurant or fast food chain, and at a total of 350 calories, 4 grams of fat, and 2 carbs I didn't have to feel guilty.
Go me! Then I was reading one of the blogs I follow "Project 365" and the writer had a great idea she calls it the "I Am Worth More Challenge"

This is taken straight from her post:

This challenge is to promote and remind you that while the scale is a tool that can be used on this journey- it does not define your success NOR does it define you! I PROMISE that if you can't love yourself for who you are as person at the weight you are at now, nothing will change when you reach your goal weight- YOU ARE WORTH MORE than what you weigh!

Wanna take the I AM WORTH MORE Challenge? Here's what you'll need to do:

1- Get post it notes.

2- Every day that you do something to take a step toward your goal, write it on the post it note. Some examples might be: I didn't get cheese on my sandwhich, I chose to park at the furthest spot in the parking lot to get in some extra walking, I skipped Starbucks, I worked out today, I ate a healthy breakfast, I read blogs that I know encourage and inspire me. Write down ANYTHING that constitutes a successful decision that shows the change you are making.

3- At the end of each day take the post it notes that you have written your successful steps on and stick them on your scale.

4- At the end of the week (on whatever day you weigh in) your scale should (hopefully!) be completely covered with the good things that you have done for yourself and have gotten you closer to reaching your goal and you shouldn't be able to see the # on the scale at all. You will completely skip your weigh in that week.

5- Post a pic of your scale covered in post it notes to celebrate with the rest of us all of the REAL accomplishments that you made.

When you are standing on the scale looking down you will be looking at all of the decisions that you made this week that should either make you feel proud or let you know that you aren't working hard enough- let it be THOSE decisions- not some # that fluctuates like the dickens, be what allows you to step off the scale with pride."

I am going to do this, and I encourage you to as well! I think I might just do this weekly.

Hungry, Hungry Hippo . . . .

God I really want a yummy, juicy, huge cheeseburger. I can almost taste it in my mouth. I want nothing more than to hop in my car and go to McDonald's and get a Double Quarter Pounder with cheese, french fries, and a shake. I know as soon as I do though, I will feel sick, and disappointed in myself, so for the moment I am staying strong. I am going to blog instead, and then hit the gym. I need to keep myself busy. I went to dinner tonight with one of my good friends and she ordered a Cheeseburger. I could have very well ordered one without a bun, but instead opted for grilled chicken breast and a salad. I really wanted dessert too, but I didn't. When I feel down, and have these cravings I feel like a fraud a failure. I am trying to lose weight to get healthy and to inspire others, and here I am and can't take care of myself. Sure I have lost 61 lbs, but I still have 110-120 to go (my goal weight is 160-170lbs, I am 5'9). I will be 30 years old this year. 30! I don't want to be fat anymore. I am tired of being ignored. Some people have issues because people who don't know them are mean to them. Not me, I have the opposite problem. If someone doesn't know me, they ignore me. Unfortunately, we are such a vain society that looks do mean something. I will have to stay steadfast when I lose the weight and remind myself not to revert back to those old ways. TO remember what it was like to be obese. I know I will hit my goal weight. I have to. I cannot let myself down, I have done enough of that. I want to meet a man who will sweep me off my feet, and love me because I have a great personality and because I am beautiful both. I want to live to see my brother and his wife have children. To see my best friend graduate college. I know that if I don't continue in this weight loss journey I may not be alive to watch these things come to light. I am 282 lbs. People say how great I am looking, and I think yes, you can tell a little. But damn I have lost 61 lbs. That is a small child! Shouldn't I look skinnier? Shouldn't you be able to tell more? I know when I tell people who don;t know me they think in their heads wow, then how fat was she? They'd have to think that. I mean I would! Unfortunatley this has been a Debbie Downer blog. I am sorry. Just in one of those modds I guess. Thank God for this site though, because the old me would have found a way to get my burger, lol.

Misguided Values . . .

I can't sleep, so I have decided to blog; makes sense right?! I had a birthday party for my mom yesterday and it went well. Everyone loved my High Protein Low-Carb Taco Bake ;) Afterwards, my roommate and I were discussing life in general, and she said something that really made me stop and think about how society values (or doesn't value for that matter) overweight people. I was telling her how sometimes I got down on myself for letting myself get to 342lbs. Whether it be from circumstances, and me eating to mask my emotions to hide behind the pain of being raped, the fact remains that I still became morbidly obese. I was telling her I had started this weight loss journey at 342 lbs, and her comment (and I know she meant nothing by it, she had good intentions) was that she loved me anyways at that weight. My thought? Well yeah! Duh! Just because someone is fat does not mean they have less value as a person. That is like saying they don't like someone because their hair is blonde. Why is someone who is fat and obviously hurting not valuable? The answer. They are. Like the old saying "If you prick us do we not bleed?" I used to be a person who laughed at fat people and thought they were not worth my time and energy. I can remember very vividly a time my brother and I probably not any older than 10 yrs old were waiting for an elevator at the hotel we were staying at, and pointed and laughed at a fat woman. How cruel. This really stuck with me. Being that fat person now has humbled me and made me empathetic. If you see me on the street, wave don't point. If you see me at work smile, don't laugh. If you talk to me be sincere, not fake.

Wicked Witch of the East . . .

I cannot tell you how pissed off I am. I work at a hospital and obviously patient confidentiality and HIPPA are a big thing. People get fired for breach of information every day. Well I am not stupid to be one of these people! On Saturday something happened at work that made me sad, so I wrote as my facebook status "is sad . . ." then a few people commented and asked me what was wrong, because I am usually a pretty happy person. Well I wrote "lost a baby". Nowhere on my page did it say where I worked, who I worked for, what unit or floor I was working, who the patient and/or patient family was, NOTHING! Lost a baby could mean a dog, or something I saw on television, or lost my boyfriend (which we did jsut break up), these people don;t fucking know! Well this bitch who I never liked in the first place called the ICU nursing supervisor and said I wrote "coded a baby for 3 hours in the ICU, and it died, I'm sad". So her director, emailed my director and it was this whole to do. She even told s coworker of mine about it, and kept telling my co-worker I shoudl be fired! God I really don't like when people try to get me in trouble for something I didn't do. At least let it be for something I have done! This happened Saturday and I am still fuming about it. I wish God would heal my heart, because I am so mad. I don't ever want to see this chick again, but I have to she works in the area I usually work in . . . ugh! Please lord take this anger, and this hurt from my heart and lift me up. Please forgive this nurse for her malicious lies.

Today was nice. I woke up, procrastinated (like always), got dressed and went to my old job. It was nice to see people I haven't seen in a year or so, they all commented on how great I look (always nice to hear). Afterwards I went to Beall's my aunt and uncle gave me a $50 gift certificate. So I picked up a sweater that was a 2x and a shirt that was a 2x, I figured they would be a little tight, and I could wear them in a few weeks when I lose a couple more pounds. GUESS WHAT! They fit! I was so excited. I waqs feeling a little down on myself yesterday, and that really perked me up. I am looking forward to going to me weigh in next week, so I can see how much more I have lost. That's all for now.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall . . .

I woke up this morning and was so hungry. Was it because I had a protein bar last night that had a few carbs? I don't know. I walked into the bathroom and was disgusted by what I saw in the mirror. My arms are the fattest arms I have ever seen, when I lose all my weight will they still be saggy? My legs look like cottage cheese; will they ever be toned and smooth? And my ass don't even get me started on that. I had to stop myself, this toxic self loathing is what got me to 342lbs. So instead, today I will make a conscious effort to be positive about myself. It is something I will have to take day by day. So here are 5 things I like about myself: 1.) I have pretty eyes, 2.) I am a very loyal person, 3.) I have nice lips, 4.) I am funny and make people (including myself) laugh, 5.) I am intelligent (I pick new things up quickly and usually retain the knowledge). On another note, I have to work tonight, I am going to go in with a good attitude (I usually do) and it will be a good night (positive affirmation people, lets hope this works, lol). I hope to have time to walk up and down the 8 flights of stairs a couple of times with Jenny. I have been eating better, but I really need to exercise more.

Mumbo Jumbo

Not sure which direction I am going to go with this blog, but strap on your seatbelts I can guarantee it will be a memorable ride ;) So . . . this being my first blog I thought I would tell you a little about myself. My name is Nicole. I work the night shift as an RRT. It has proven to be both demanding and rewarding. I've learned I don't know everything like I thought I did. I am a firm believer in what you put into life, is what you get out of it (so if your life is crappy, stop putting crap into it). I am not the most patient person, it is a fault I know I must work on. I strive for excellence, and am way to hard on myself and those around me. I do love to have fun, and make people laugh. I am brutally honest, so if you don't want my opinion please don't ask. I can't stand loud noise (unless I am making it, lol), incompentece, and liars. I don't believe in regrets, they are a waste of time. I love looking up quotes, it is an obsession/ hobby of mine. I have been through a lot other 29 yr olds haven't had to go through (a lot from my own doing), but I wouldn't change anything, it has made me who I am today, and for the most part I like that person. October. 28th, 2009 was the day I retook my life back. I was raped when I was 16 and just ate away my feelings to a whopping 342lbs on my 5'9 frame. I had 186lbs of fat, most people don't even weigh 186lbs, and that is how much fat I had, this realization really upset me. I joined Medi Weightloss Clinic on Oct.28 thanks to meeting a friend of a friend, I decided I was not going to live my 30's as I did my 20's "the fat girl with a pretty face". I have lost 57lbs to date which I am ecstatic about, but still have a long way to go. My goal weight is between 160-170lbs, I am 5'9 with a lot of curves I realize I will never be skinny, and you know what I don't want to be. That's me in a nutshell.

~Nicole