Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Hungry, Hungry Hippo . . . .

God I really want a yummy, juicy, huge cheeseburger. I can almost taste it in my mouth. I want nothing more than to hop in my car and go to McDonald's and get a Double Quarter Pounder with cheese, french fries, and a shake. I know as soon as I do though, I will feel sick, and disappointed in myself, so for the moment I am staying strong. I am going to blog instead, and then hit the gym. I need to keep myself busy. I went to dinner tonight with one of my good friends and she ordered a Cheeseburger. I could have very well ordered one without a bun, but instead opted for grilled chicken breast and a salad. I really wanted dessert too, but I didn't. When I feel down, and have these cravings I feel like a fraud a failure. I am trying to lose weight to get healthy and to inspire others, and here I am and can't take care of myself. Sure I have lost 61 lbs, but I still have 110-120 to go (my goal weight is 160-170lbs, I am 5'9). I will be 30 years old this year. 30! I don't want to be fat anymore. I am tired of being ignored. Some people have issues because people who don't know them are mean to them. Not me, I have the opposite problem. If someone doesn't know me, they ignore me. Unfortunately, we are such a vain society that looks do mean something. I will have to stay steadfast when I lose the weight and remind myself not to revert back to those old ways. TO remember what it was like to be obese. I know I will hit my goal weight. I have to. I cannot let myself down, I have done enough of that. I want to meet a man who will sweep me off my feet, and love me because I have a great personality and because I am beautiful both. I want to live to see my brother and his wife have children. To see my best friend graduate college. I know that if I don't continue in this weight loss journey I may not be alive to watch these things come to light. I am 282 lbs. People say how great I am looking, and I think yes, you can tell a little. But damn I have lost 61 lbs. That is a small child! Shouldn't I look skinnier? Shouldn't you be able to tell more? I know when I tell people who don;t know me they think in their heads wow, then how fat was she? They'd have to think that. I mean I would! Unfortunatley this has been a Debbie Downer blog. I am sorry. Just in one of those modds I guess. Thank God for this site though, because the old me would have found a way to get my burger, lol.