Sunday, February 21, 2010

So . . . I didn't have a great week in regards to my diet. I ordered girl scout cookies from a friend of mine a month or so ago, and thought it would be okay, I could freeze them, and eat a few on cheat day. I did great the first two days I didn't have any, none, zip, zilch, nada . . . go me . . or so I thought. Cheat day rolled around and instead of eating a few Samoas, I ate the whole darned box, yes you read that correctly the whole box, no one else just me. I know. I know. Why did I tempt myself and buy them in the first place? Well for the simple fact that I thought I could resist the temptation. I am around it all day every day. The people around me eat junk, and I resist. I actually prefer the taste and the way I feel after a healthy meal as compared to the nasty McDonald's I used to eat. Well no such luck this time I broke down. I could say it was because I was depressed or something bad happened, but nope, I was fine, they were just calling to me, like the forbidden fruit in Eden and I, like Eve was tempted. I decided to forgive myself for this, and move on. Yes I ate the box, but I have regained my will power, it won't happen again. On a better note. I went over to a friends house who was getting rid of some clothes. She wanted me to go through them and if I wanted any to take them before she had her yard sale. She wanted me to try on the clothes, I didn't want to because they were all a size 20 and I just knew they weren't going to fit me. I believed in my head I was size 24. Well, I tried on the clothes, and darned if they didn't fit, I was ecstatic. I went from a size 28 to a size 20, and from a 4X to a 2X and cane fit into a 1X snuggly. I could not even fit a 1X over my head and shoulders a few months ago. This little victory came at a great time. I am now reinvigorated. Also, I was at work and a CNA on one of the floors I was onasked me if I had lost weight, because I looked great, and I told her I had, and the three RN's that were around all just started The Medi WEightloss Center that I have been doing since October 28th. I just love meeting people that are doing the same diet I am on, or who are interested in it. I give them little tips and tricks, and this in turn motivates me to do better. So here is to Ashley, Michelle, and Dan my new partners in weightloss. On that same note, if you are on Facebook, you can join my facebook group "Weightloss Warriors".

Friday, February 12, 2010

Small victory. . .

I did my Wii Fit today I hadn't done it in awhile. So, I stepped on the balance board and the last time I had done it (November 26th) I was 311.1 lbs, today I was 280.4 lbs, that is a difference of 30.7lbs in 2 and a half months, I was ecstatic. I had been going to the gym instead of using my Wii Fit and then I stopped going to the gym, so I decided to start using my Wii Fit again. I forgot how much fun it was. I burned 152 calories in only 30 minutes (awesome). I also wrote 3 post it notes to place on my scale. So all-in-all today was a great day. I am looking forward to tomorrow ( I work the night shift so my new day starts in the afternoon).

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Today was a good day in regards to my eating. I decided to be proactive today. I knew I would want a yummy, greasy cheeseburger again today, so I went grocery shopping. Yes I know, it sounds dangerous, but read on :) I bought fat free ground chicken burgers. I made 2 delicous chicken burgers with lettuce, grilled tomato, 1/2 a slice of 2% cheese (each), and mustard. They were better than any burger I would have bought at a restaurant or fast food chain, and at a total of 350 calories, 4 grams of fat, and 2 carbs I didn't have to feel guilty.
Go me! Then I was reading one of the blogs I follow "Project 365" and the writer had a great idea she calls it the "I Am Worth More Challenge"

This is taken straight from her post:

This challenge is to promote and remind you that while the scale is a tool that can be used on this journey- it does not define your success NOR does it define you! I PROMISE that if you can't love yourself for who you are as person at the weight you are at now, nothing will change when you reach your goal weight- YOU ARE WORTH MORE than what you weigh!

Wanna take the I AM WORTH MORE Challenge? Here's what you'll need to do:

1- Get post it notes.

2- Every day that you do something to take a step toward your goal, write it on the post it note. Some examples might be: I didn't get cheese on my sandwhich, I chose to park at the furthest spot in the parking lot to get in some extra walking, I skipped Starbucks, I worked out today, I ate a healthy breakfast, I read blogs that I know encourage and inspire me. Write down ANYTHING that constitutes a successful decision that shows the change you are making.

3- At the end of each day take the post it notes that you have written your successful steps on and stick them on your scale.

4- At the end of the week (on whatever day you weigh in) your scale should (hopefully!) be completely covered with the good things that you have done for yourself and have gotten you closer to reaching your goal and you shouldn't be able to see the # on the scale at all. You will completely skip your weigh in that week.

5- Post a pic of your scale covered in post it notes to celebrate with the rest of us all of the REAL accomplishments that you made.

When you are standing on the scale looking down you will be looking at all of the decisions that you made this week that should either make you feel proud or let you know that you aren't working hard enough- let it be THOSE decisions- not some # that fluctuates like the dickens, be what allows you to step off the scale with pride."

I am going to do this, and I encourage you to as well! I think I might just do this weekly.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Hungry, Hungry Hippo . . . .

God I really want a yummy, juicy, huge cheeseburger. I can almost taste it in my mouth. I want nothing more than to hop in my car and go to McDonald's and get a Double Quarter Pounder with cheese, french fries, and a shake. I know as soon as I do though, I will feel sick, and disappointed in myself, so for the moment I am staying strong. I am going to blog instead, and then hit the gym. I need to keep myself busy. I went to dinner tonight with one of my good friends and she ordered a Cheeseburger. I could have very well ordered one without a bun, but instead opted for grilled chicken breast and a salad. I really wanted dessert too, but I didn't. When I feel down, and have these cravings I feel like a fraud a failure. I am trying to lose weight to get healthy and to inspire others, and here I am and can't take care of myself. Sure I have lost 61 lbs, but I still have 110-120 to go (my goal weight is 160-170lbs, I am 5'9). I will be 30 years old this year. 30! I don't want to be fat anymore. I am tired of being ignored. Some people have issues because people who don't know them are mean to them. Not me, I have the opposite problem. If someone doesn't know me, they ignore me. Unfortunately, we are such a vain society that looks do mean something. I will have to stay steadfast when I lose the weight and remind myself not to revert back to those old ways. TO remember what it was like to be obese. I know I will hit my goal weight. I have to. I cannot let myself down, I have done enough of that. I want to meet a man who will sweep me off my feet, and love me because I have a great personality and because I am beautiful both. I want to live to see my brother and his wife have children. To see my best friend graduate college. I know that if I don't continue in this weight loss journey I may not be alive to watch these things come to light. I am 282 lbs. People say how great I am looking, and I think yes, you can tell a little. But damn I have lost 61 lbs. That is a small child! Shouldn't I look skinnier? Shouldn't you be able to tell more? I know when I tell people who don;t know me they think in their heads wow, then how fat was she? They'd have to think that. I mean I would! Unfortunatley this has been a Debbie Downer blog. I am sorry. Just in one of those modds I guess. Thank God for this site though, because the old me would have found a way to get my burger, lol.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Misguided Values . . .

I can't sleep, so I have decided to blog; makes sense right?! I had a birthday party for my mom yesterday and it went well. Everyone loved my High Protein Low-Carb Taco Bake ;) Afterwards, my roommate and I were discussing life in general, and she said something that really made me stop and think about how society values (or doesn't value for that matter) overweight people. I was telling her how sometimes I got down on myself for letting myself get to 342lbs. Whether it be from circumstances, and me eating to mask my emotions to hide behind the pain of being raped, the fact remains that I still became morbidly obese. I was telling her I had started this weight loss journey at 342 lbs, and her comment (and I know she meant nothing by it, she had good intentions) was that she loved me anyways at that weight. My thought? Well yeah! Duh! Just because someone is fat does not mean they have less value as a person. That is like saying they don't like someone because their hair is blonde. Why is someone who is fat and obviously hurting not valuable? The answer. They are. Like the old saying "If you prick us do we not bleed?" I used to be a person who laughed at fat people and thought they were not worth my time and energy. I can remember very vividly a time my brother and I probably not any older than 10 yrs old were waiting for an elevator at the hotel we were staying at, and pointed and laughed at a fat woman. How cruel. This really stuck with me. Being that fat person now has humbled me and made me empathetic. If you see me on the street, wave don't point. If you see me at work smile, don't laugh. If you talk to me be sincere, not fake.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Wicked Witch of the East . . .

I cannot tell you how pissed off I am. I work at a hospital and obviously patient confidentiality and HIPPA are a big thing. People get fired for breach of information every day. Well I am not stupid to be one of these people! On Saturday something happened at work that made me sad, so I wrote as my facebook status "is sad . . ." then a few people commented and asked me what was wrong, because I am usually a pretty happy person. Well I wrote "lost a baby". Nowhere on my page did it say where I worked, who I worked for, what unit or floor I was working, who the patient and/or patient family was, NOTHING! Lost a baby could mean a dog, or something I saw on television, or lost my boyfriend (which we did jsut break up), these people don;t fucking know! Well this bitch who I never liked in the first place called the ICU nursing supervisor and said I wrote "coded a baby for 3 hours in the ICU, and it died, I'm sad". So her director, emailed my director and it was this whole to do. She even told s coworker of mine about it, and kept telling my co-worker I shoudl be fired! God I really don't like when people try to get me in trouble for something I didn't do. At least let it be for something I have done! This happened Saturday and I am still fuming about it. I wish God would heal my heart, because I am so mad. I don't ever want to see this chick again, but I have to she works in the area I usually work in . . . ugh! Please lord take this anger, and this hurt from my heart and lift me up. Please forgive this nurse for her malicious lies.