Monday, October 18, 2010


i look around and everyone is having kids. they have adoring husbands and own their homes. what do i have? my career. friends. family. a roof over my head. food to eat. a forgiving god. i should be happy with all of this. most days i am. but today. today i just want to scream. today i have a defeatest attitude. today i want to know why my uncle had an emergancy cardiac cath, and is in the icu. i want to know why my friends son died after only 3 days. i want to know why that same girl had to go through her younger brother dying just a year later. i want to know why mothers dont give their children the meds they need and then they die in my hospital. why does another one of my friends have to see her 2 yr old son have to go through chemo because he hase leukemia, and now he has typhlitis. why? why? why? why was i raped? why did i go to jail 7 yrs ago for a stupid traffic violation, when there were people in my court room who beat people?? why? why did my grandfather never see any of us marry or see his grandkids have grandkids? why did he die at 52. he was a wonderful man. why? why do i date losers? why do i not value myself? why do i sabotage myself? most of these whys i will never know the answer too, and thats okay but so frustrating. when i am tired and sad and frustrated i have to put on this facade about being happy when i am not. i am exhausted. emotionally. physically. i know that god has this plan for me. i actually have thought that he has BIG plans for me, but what are they? why dont i know?