why

i look around and everyone is having kids. they have adoring husbands and own their homes. what do i have? my career. friends. family. a roof over my head. food to eat. a forgiving god. i should be happy with all of this. most days i am. but today. today i just want to scream. today i have a defeatest attitude. today i want to know why my uncle had an emergancy cardiac cath, and is in the icu. i want to know why my friends son died after only 3 days. i want to know why that same girl had to go through her younger brother dying just a year later. i want to know why mothers dont give their children the meds they need and then they die in my hospital. why does another one of my friends have to see her 2 yr old son have to go through chemo because he hase leukemia, and now he has typhlitis. why? why? why? why was i raped? why did i go to jail 7 yrs ago for a stupid traffic violation, when there were people in my court room who beat people?? why? why did my grandfather never see any of us marry or see his grandkids have grandkids? why did he die at 52. he was a wonderful man. why? why do i date losers? why do i not value myself? why do i sabotage myself? most of these whys i will never know the answer too, and thats okay but so frustrating. when i am tired and sad and frustrated i have to put on this facade about being happy when i am not. i am exhausted. emotionally. physically. i know that god has this plan for me. i actually have thought that he has BIG plans for me, but what are they? why dont i know?

Realization

So I worked out Friday night on the recumbent bike, Saturday morning I went to an Aqua Fit Class, and this morning did upper body weight training. I feel so good, remind me why I stopped eating right and exercising?! SO I stepped on the scale this morning before I ate anything, and weighed 291.4. That's 4 lbs down from when I started 3 days ago! YAY! I joined Bill Phillips Transformation.com community and he says to only weigh yourself every 2 -3 weeks. So I will not be weighing myself again until 10/17/10 (I know I will become to antsy to wait 3 weeks, lol). I will be sure to let you know how that goes. I am a person who becomes obsessed with the scale when I start a weight loss regimen, so I am going to tape a big note on it "DO NOT USE UNTIL 10/17" to remind myself. Gotta go now. Have to plan my meals for the week :) Forgot to tell you my Realization! So I was at the gym today, feeling a little agitated that I got off track on my journey, and then realized, hey you know what everyone does. It's not about how many times it takes you to succeed at your goal. It's that you reach. It's the end result that matters. SO I have forgiven myself, and feel a little less burdened now. That's all!

So here it is . . . I was 342, got down to 262 and now am back to 295. This canot go on, I am 30 yrs old, I need to nip this in the bud! So . . . in true Nicole fashion, I decided I need to go balls to the wall and get this done . . . but you know what that doesn't work. Like an alcoholic, drug addict, smoker, etc. You have to start slow. Take it one step at a time, or it won't work. So the first step was joiing a gym. Yes, I have a gym where I live, but the fact that I would be paying for a membership should motivate me right?! I told my parents that I joined LA Fitness because my friend Megan says she will work out with me, she needs some motivation too, we can do this together. But! we haven't gotten together all week. I said I bought the membership (I did this online). I didn't say I had stepped into the facility, LOL! So tonight I decided that I needed to go. Get over my fear of people looking at me, scrutinizing me, and just go. I did the recumbant bike for 6.5 miles, and it felt good. In the morning I am going to take a water aerobics class, and then head over to my parents afterwards. My dad bought me Bill Phillips Transformation book, and it has an accompanying website. I checked the website out, it is awesome. I made a profile and numerous people have stopped by my site to welcome me. So I have high hopes that this is just what I need. I will chronicle my journey on here. I haven't blogged lately, because I have been embarassed I gained weight back, but you know what just like any other addict, we have our ups and our downs, and occasional slip-ups, but its what you do in the end that matters. Goodnight and sleep tight all!