why

i look around and everyone is having kids. they have adoring husbands and own their homes. what do i have? my career. friends. family. a roof over my head. food to eat. a forgiving god. i should be happy with all of this. most days i am. but today. today i just want to scream. today i have a defeatest attitude. today i want to know why my uncle had an emergancy cardiac cath, and is in the icu. i want to know why my friends son died after only 3 days. i want to know why that same girl had to go through her younger brother dying just a year later. i want to know why mothers dont give their children the meds they need and then they die in my hospital. why does another one of my friends have to see her 2 yr old son have to go through chemo because he hase leukemia, and now he has typhlitis. why? why? why? why was i raped? why did i go to jail 7 yrs ago for a stupid traffic violation, when there were people in my court room who beat people?? why? why did my grandfather never see any of us marry or see his grandkids have grandkids? why did he die at 52. he was a wonderful man. why? why do i date losers? why do i not value myself? why do i sabotage myself? most of these whys i will never know the answer too, and thats okay but so frustrating. when i am tired and sad and frustrated i have to put on this facade about being happy when i am not. i am exhausted. emotionally. physically. i know that god has this plan for me. i actually have thought that he has BIG plans for me, but what are they? why dont i know?

Realization

So I worked out Friday night on the recumbent bike, Saturday morning I went to an Aqua Fit Class, and this morning did upper body weight training. I feel so good, remind me why I stopped eating right and exercising?! SO I stepped on the scale this morning before I ate anything, and weighed 291.4. That's 4 lbs down from when I started 3 days ago! YAY! I joined Bill Phillips Transformation.com community and he says to only weigh yourself every 2 -3 weeks. So I will not be weighing myself again until 10/17/10 (I know I will become to antsy to wait 3 weeks, lol). I will be sure to let you know how that goes. I am a person who becomes obsessed with the scale when I start a weight loss regimen, so I am going to tape a big note on it "DO NOT USE UNTIL 10/17" to remind myself. Gotta go now. Have to plan my meals for the week :) Forgot to tell you my Realization! So I was at the gym today, feeling a little agitated that I got off track on my journey, and then realized, hey you know what everyone does. It's not about how many times it takes you to succeed at your goal. It's that you reach. It's the end result that matters. SO I have forgiven myself, and feel a little less burdened now. That's all!

So here it is . . . I was 342, got down to 262 and now am back to 295. This canot go on, I am 30 yrs old, I need to nip this in the bud! So . . . in true Nicole fashion, I decided I need to go balls to the wall and get this done . . . but you know what that doesn't work. Like an alcoholic, drug addict, smoker, etc. You have to start slow. Take it one step at a time, or it won't work. So the first step was joiing a gym. Yes, I have a gym where I live, but the fact that I would be paying for a membership should motivate me right?! I told my parents that I joined LA Fitness because my friend Megan says she will work out with me, she needs some motivation too, we can do this together. But! we haven't gotten together all week. I said I bought the membership (I did this online). I didn't say I had stepped into the facility, LOL! So tonight I decided that I needed to go. Get over my fear of people looking at me, scrutinizing me, and just go. I did the recumbant bike for 6.5 miles, and it felt good. In the morning I am going to take a water aerobics class, and then head over to my parents afterwards. My dad bought me Bill Phillips Transformation book, and it has an accompanying website. I checked the website out, it is awesome. I made a profile and numerous people have stopped by my site to welcome me. So I have high hopes that this is just what I need. I will chronicle my journey on here. I haven't blogged lately, because I have been embarassed I gained weight back, but you know what just like any other addict, we have our ups and our downs, and occasional slip-ups, but its what you do in the end that matters. Goodnight and sleep tight all!

Gosh it has been a long while since I have posted. My good friend Ashley told me she misses reading my blogs, and you know what I miss writing them. It is definitely an outlet for me. To catch you up to speed I started my journey at 342lbs, and I am down to 260lbs. Which is great I just wish I was farther along I have hit a plateau and need to wade it out and not get discouraged; easier said than done. Plus I have more stress in my life. My ex-fiancee decided to move back to town and is being a lying deceitful snake that doesn't deserve the energy of me even writing about him in this blog, but alas, when someone hurts you, its hard not to think about it. I am usually a person who allows myself one day of pity partying and then I pick myself up, brush myself off, and move on. For some reason I am not able to do that this time. I really am just praying for God to heal my wounds. I feel so alone. I used to hang out with a group of girls from work, but everyone seems to have found a significant other and moved on. Why can't I? Am I destined to be alone forever? I don't know what has gotten into me. Usually I would say I don't need a man, and I would mean it, but this past week, I just really want to be with someone who loves me, who lets me know I am worth it. I want to be with someone who thinks of me when he wakes up and I am the last thing he thinks of when his head hits the pillow. SOmeone who thinks of me as their everything. My parents have that kind of love. Is it pathetic that I envy them? Well anyways it is ncie to get all of this off my chest. I will try and keep up with my posts, it does keep me on track. TTYS.

Hi everyone. I was out of town from last wed. until Monday so I haven't blogged in awhile. I was really proud of myself. I only cheated once during my vacation, and it was having a small piece of cookie cake for my cousins sons birthday. The old me would have eaten everything in site, and had a couple pieces of cookie cake because I was on vacation. I would have thrown everything out the window, but I didn't. In fact I spread the message of good health to my family in Kentucky. I started my Aunt on my new lifestyle change a low carb (not no carb), low fat, high protein diet. It made me feel so good to spread my message! The best part! When I came home I had lost 2 lbs! Other bonuses I didn't spread my girth into the persons seat next to me, and the seat belt fit (I use to have to use an extender). So all around it has been an awesome week. I am looking forward to weigh in on Thursday!!!

So . . . I didn't have a great week in regards to my diet. I ordered girl scout cookies from a friend of mine a month or so ago, and thought it would be okay, I could freeze them, and eat a few on cheat day. I did great the first two days I didn't have any, none, zip, zilch, nada . . . go me . . or so I thought. Cheat day rolled around and instead of eating a few Samoas, I ate the whole darned box, yes you read that correctly the whole box, no one else just me. I know. I know. Why did I tempt myself and buy them in the first place? Well for the simple fact that I thought I could resist the temptation. I am around it all day every day. The people around me eat junk, and I resist. I actually prefer the taste and the way I feel after a healthy meal as compared to the nasty McDonald's I used to eat. Well no such luck this time I broke down. I could say it was because I was depressed or something bad happened, but nope, I was fine, they were just calling to me, like the forbidden fruit in Eden and I, like Eve was tempted. I decided to forgive myself for this, and move on. Yes I ate the box, but I have regained my will power, it won't happen again. On a better note. I went over to a friends house who was getting rid of some clothes. She wanted me to go through them and if I wanted any to take them before she had her yard sale. She wanted me to try on the clothes, I didn't want to because they were all a size 20 and I just knew they weren't going to fit me. I believed in my head I was size 24. Well, I tried on the clothes, and darned if they didn't fit, I was ecstatic. I went from a size 28 to a size 20, and from a 4X to a 2X and cane fit into a 1X snuggly. I could not even fit a 1X over my head and shoulders a few months ago. This little victory came at a great time. I am now reinvigorated. Also, I was at work and a CNA on one of the floors I was onasked me if I had lost weight, because I looked great, and I told her I had, and the three RN's that were around all just started The Medi WEightloss Center that I have been doing since October 28th. I just love meeting people that are doing the same diet I am on, or who are interested in it. I give them little tips and tricks, and this in turn motivates me to do better. So here is to Ashley, Michelle, and Dan my new partners in weightloss. On that same note, if you are on Facebook, you can join my facebook group "Weightloss Warriors".